On Golf-Course Urination Protocol
I was just cyber-visiting one of the golf forums, where a very important (in the micro-world of the “recreational golf universe”) was raised :
The question was posed :
“What is the etiquette on relieving yourself on the course when playing in a
mixed foursome? With people you know, its obviously no problem. But today,
playing as a single, I was hooked up with a married couple and the situation
arose. I managed to hold out for a porta-potty this time, but what if next time I’m not so lucky?”
The variety of responses ranged from the (obvious) recommendations of “be as discreet as possible” to other opinions that were not quite as tolerant :
“FYI… if I see someone in my group heading the bushes; I’ll call the pro shop and tell them directly .. I didn’t come out on a beautiful golf course to watch some unsocialized bozo peeing the trees..
At my last club, we instituted a very serious fine, and a three strike rules.
First time a $1000 fine, next time 3 month suspension from the club, dues still required; third time ejected from the club permanently.”
Which prompted this response :
“Mind you this was an exclusive club”
That’s right, you have to be a particular variety of anal retentive, uptight jerk to become a member, apparently.
Now since, the original question was posted in the “instuctional” tips forum, rather than the “rules of golf” forum, I would have offered this instructional advice :
- Locate the nearest large tree or group of bushes.
- While maintaining a line between your ball and the tree, walk casually towards the tree, ensuring that you are not distracting any player who may be playing their shot.
- Keeping the tree between you and the other golfers, turn 180 degrees away from the other golfers
- Take note of the wind condtions before commencing the err. “act” (especially if you are wearing light colored pants, as any wind-induced “drift” will be much more obvious than if you were wearing dark pants.
- If the trees / woods/ bushes are not completely isolated, i.e. houses in near proximity to the course, then you have more of a challenge. In this case, your “stance” needs to be arranged in such a manner as to take advantage of whatever camouflage is available. This might require you to alter your stance from a traditional “stand up” method to a squatting position.
- If you are on a course where there are no nearby trees / bushes, etc, then the challenge becomes much greater, to say the least, though I can’t recall ever being in such a situation.
Related Stories
POSTED IN: Miscellaneous
13 opinions for On Golf-Course Urination Protocol
Joe B
Oct 20, 2007 at 8:05 pm
“If you gotta go you gotta go”
Jodie
Oct 20, 2007 at 8:27 pm
First of all, if everyone carried around a pee-pee jar like my cousin the bedwetter did when he was a kid, then this wouldn’t even be an issue.
Second, Mike has some good ideas (although I noticed “fake a group hug and have your other three buddies shield you” was missing from the list).
Third, I’d like to add an option for the ladies, should they find themselves in this predicament. The key is to dress like Laura Ingalls Wilder. That way, when you squat, you can just tell people Pa sent you out here to pick mushrooms for supper. Add that you best be gettin’ back now, turn away with a sense of purpose, and walk in the direction that most resembles a prairie.
Mike
Oct 20, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Jodie,
LOL,
Thank you I knew I could count on you for a great comment !
First, about the “jar”. I don’t know how that would solve the main problem, which is not really of “desecrating the sacred golf” course, but just of how to get away with it without being (too obviously) seen.
I’ve never seen the “group hug” technique, as Seinfield would say, “That’s a little too familiar don’t you think?” :)
I didn’t know who Laura Ingalls Wilder was by name, so I had to google for her, and I found a picture that I think gets your message across :)
Mike
Rich Carlson
Oct 22, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Talk about uncivilized and disgusting.
If you can’t hold it until you get to a porta-potty or the clubhouse, then you’d better stop drinking whatever it is you are drinking.
Plan ahead. Pretty simple to do.
Golf is a gentlemens sport. In every aspect.
Mike
Oct 22, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Rich,
Haven’t you heard the expression, ‘If a pee falls in the woods, but no one is there, does it make a sound?” ;)
Mike
Jeffrey Prest
Oct 23, 2007 at 3:41 pm
Jeez, I can only assume the people horrified by this issue are English. I am too, so I recognise the type.
People get ‘caught short’ at the best of times. Most of them deal with it in a perfectly discreet manner. What are you hoping to achieve with the Victorian mentality: keeping the passage of human waste a great big secret?
It’s 2007. Get over yourselves.
Brad
Nov 12, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Here is the newest urine collection product for men & women in any situation and for any sport. It turns the urine into a solid in seconds. Small enough for the golf bag and sanitary enough for use anywhere with a little privacy. After use it can easily be carried to the next trash can for proper disposal.
Brad
Nov 12, 2007 at 1:36 pm
The newest product is the iPee®. http://www.theipee.com. The original product is the Superslab100. http://www.superslab100.com
Both are available online.
Mike
Nov 12, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Brad,
That’s incredible !
“Pay washrooms” on the course !
Mike
John Edwards
May 15, 2008 at 3:45 pm
That is a very awkward situation, specially if your playing with your boss! Should stop drinking and let it all go before you hit the fairways I guess.
shan
May 24, 2008 at 12:09 am
this is a Golf club situated in very beautiful place and if you want to join with this club you want to expense much money.
jyothi
May 26, 2008 at 12:49 am
The best i found golf ball reviews
John
Jul 21, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Urination is easily disguised but other calls are not so expected. My son was getting married in the afternoon, and the night before was the rehearsal dinner. It was about 90 degrees at 9 am and got progressively hotter. The 4some in front of us was two holes ahead, and our friendly second 4 was behind us. My son had a flatulent moment, and discovered it was not gas. I won’t go into details that followed, but needless to say, he did finish the round. A relative later on told us that he could have been arrested for indecent exposure. I say, sure, and he could have taken the cart back to the clubhouse, but he used one of his golf towels instead after determining that noone was around - except for me - his father. He discreetly took care of business and none was the wiser.
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: